Please Stand for Our Opening Hymn (NOOOO!)

Yesterday was Sunday and is my new routine, I went to St. Mary's for the 10:30 service. We have a small parish with only 2 masses: 8:00 and 10:30. (There is also a 5pm mass on Saturday.) Anyway, the 10:30 mass is by far the more popular because not many people like to be up early. There is an adequate parking lot and some street parking. Even though I usually screech in at the last minute and race past Father before he starts his procession down the aisle, I never have trouble parking. Yesterday I was early by at least 5 minutes. I pulled into the lot and every spot was filled. Every single one. I am not sure if there was a cash giveaway for attending mass yesterday but there was no place for me to park. So I had to change strategies: I decided to grocery shop before mass, instead of after as I had planned, and then attend the noon Express Mass I wrote about a few weeks ago.

Having finished my grocery shopping early I was 15 minutes early for Mass. I went into the church and stopped dead in my tracks when I heard an ominous sound: the sound of a church organ. If you read this blog, you'll recall that the Express Mass has no singing, no fancy prayers...it's just a straight up mass. So I began to panic. All kinds of thoughts raced through my head. "I KNEW it was too good to be true! The organist must have been on a religious mission to Somalia and is now back!" Then I heard something that was even more disturbing...the sound of a choir. And it was a very good choir at that. They were singing all kinds of long Hosannas in the Highest, various Psalms and hymns. I think I actually broke out in a cold sweat. "I know what's happened," I thought, "they've changed the Express Mass to the choir mass and I'll be here forever." And then suddenly the music stopped. I checked behind me a few times to see if the organist or choir were returning. I saw Father Speed come up to the alter and fling his sermon notes onto the chair like they were a comic book. And then he said "Please stand for our opening prayer."

Ah the relief. It was unchanged. There was still no singing, Father Speed gave his usual 7-minute sermon and the Express Mass was done is 37 minutes flat. I timed it. I had just enough time to run into Home Goods to see if they had any more of those candles that smelled like glazed doughnuts.

This disturbs me in some way. I feel like I should enjoy the church music and not dread each verse that drones out of the organ. (By the way, how did the organ become official musical instrument of the Catholic Church? Every church has one and why? Why not a piano or a saxophone? Where does one even learn to play the organ?) But the hymns they play are these long, dreary dirges. They are not filled with positive energy or happiness. Those Gospel choirs have the right idea. They fill a church with spiritual music and they dance around, happy as clams. Why can't our churches have that? Why do we have to sing these awful songs that no one sings anyway?

Well, in any event, I was relieved to find that my Express mass was still intact, although sad that there were no more Glazed Doughnut candles. I guess we can't have everything! Amen.

I'll have Coffee and a Piece of Li-berry Pie

I've written here before about our local newspaper, a small town publication mostly dedicated to advertising various town happenings, events, and other items of "interest." It actually serves about 10 towns in the area. I often notice how poorly written it is, and, more annoying to me, how poorly edited. I don't think anyone employs proofreaders or copy editors anymore. (Disclaimer: any mistakes in this blog are not due to writer's lack of editing skills, but due to poor typing skills and Friday night cocktails).

This is part of larger trend I see, something often pointed out by my fellow bloggers. Many people have no idea how to write, spell, use correct words, or pronounce the words they do use correctly. Allow me to justify with a few examples:

Li-berry. This word is often used in the following context: "I got this book from the li-berry." Did you really now? I check books out of the li-BR-ary. Notice that consonant blend of BR in the middle. Li-berry sounds more like a fruit to me, as in strawberry or blueberry. "I'll have the li-berry pie alamode."

Inclimate. I have often seen this word used on school notices and other printed material, and as far as I can tell, it's not a word. It is used to mean "harsh weather" as in "School will be cancelled due to inclimate weather." I believe you mean INCLEMENT weather. Inclimate is more like "in-season."

Marshmellow. This does not refer to a white, gooey, confectionery treat; it refers to a swampy area of land where all inhabitants are very calm. "Man, did you see those birds, dude? They live in a marsh that's mellow.." (or a marshmellow). If you are thinking of the stuff you put in fudge than you mean marshmAllow. Teachers spell this wrong all the time, which drives me up a wall.

Except vs Accept. "The children are having difficulty excepting a new class member." Uh that means they are having trouble excluding him. You mean "accept." These are used in error all the time.

Comprised of. This is actually something that has come to be excepted (oh wait I mean accepted) as common usage, but it's really incorrect. The word comprise means to include or contain as in, "Our country comprises 50 states." It should NOT be used, as it commonly is, to state "The Board is comprised of 30 people." You mean "The Board is composed of 30 people." Hmmmphhhh.

And now back to the local paper. This week, some fool listed his or her house for sale with the following description: "Three-bedroom ranch, 1 bath, 1/4 acre lot, good starter home. Handy cap access." Does that mean it's really easy for hats to get in and out of this house?"

Well, with that, I think I'll get my li-berry book, have some cocoa with marshmellows and prepare for tomorrow's inclimate weather.