A Tale of Too Much Traffic

I have lived in several places during my nearly 42 years on this Earth. I was born in Brooklyn, NY and lived there until I was about 4 years old. I was raised on Staten Island, and when I was 24, I moved to San Francisco. (Insert longing sigh, as I miss this place more than words can say!) After 3 years in the city of San Francisco itself, I moved to the "East Bay" to a beautiful part of Oakland (yes, there are nice parts). Since my entire family is selfish and refused to re-locate to the west coast I moved to CT in 2000 to be closer to them. I now live in Portland, CT, a small, rural town with about 10,000 people. This is a huge change from living in a city. Both New York City and the San Francisco Bay Area are famous for their traffic jams, mostly on highways that connect the major city with suburbs. Traffic in Portland, CT is a far cry from the traffic to which I became accustomed.

We spend a lot of time on the road visiting relatives. We also see a medical team at NYU Medical Center for my daughter's rare craniofacial disorder, which means more time on the road. There are probably close to a dozen ways to get from CT to NY, and we've probably tried them all. We've learned to check for things like baseball games, football games, bike tours, airplane shows, beach traffic, highway circus acts, and any event that could feasibly cause traffic on our route. We seem to have this down to a science; however, there are always places that have traffic jams for no cause whatsoever at any time of day or night. I have listed my top 5 Traffic Nightmare Zones for your travel planning convenience:


1. The George Washington Bridge, more commonly known by New Yorkers as the "Gee-Dub". I believe that the NY or NJ DOT's actually pay people to cross this bridge and cause traffic jams, as it is never empty. I have crossed it in day and night, in good weather and in bad, in sickness and in health (oh wait, wrong group of phrases)...and there is ALWAYS traffic. I don't know what causes it, nor do I care. I will never set foot (actually wheels) on this bridge again.


2. The BQE, aka the Gowwanis, or to out-of-towners, Highway 278. Yesterday I left Brooklyn at about 1:30 pm and was caught in a traffic jam on the BQE. Who the hell is on the road at 1:30 in the afternoon? Evidently, plenty of people, since it took me 30 minutes to go about 3 miles. Ugh.


3. The Cross Bronx Expressway. I have been stuck on this stupid road more times than I care to count. I have looked over and actually seen rigor mortis begin to set into the drivers around me, we sat there for so long. This is right up there with the Gee-Dub and another road I will never go near again.


4. The Garden State Parkway. DO NOT go near this highway any time during the summer. It leads right to the Jersey Shore, where every lunatic in NY or NJ is heading on a sunny day. If that isn't bad enough, it's a toll road. This means you must stop every few miles and throw a dime into a toll basket...maybe it's up to a quarter now, who knows. The point is, this system is outdated and inefficient. Even if you have an EZ-Pass, it's still a hassle to stop every three miles, or whatever it is. Avoid it like the swine flu. (And to those of you who live in the Tri-state area, GET AN EZ-PASS for God's sake.)


5. The approach to the Goethals Bridge, and the Staten Island Expressway, right after the Goethals Bridge. I don't know what's up with this. Perhaps it's the 45 lanes of toll booths as you exit the NJ Turnpike to get onto the Goethals, with no clear lane markers, a mix of EZ-Pass lanes and cash lanes, and rude drivers. There could be a nuclear holocaust and there would still be traffic at this toll plaza. Once you get thru that and over the Goethals, it's another parking lot on the Staten Island Expressway. Again, I have never seen area this without traffic.


Oh yes there are others: the Belt Parkway, the FDR Drive/Battery Tunnel on weekdays, ANY road to Long Island, and countless other traffic mazes that would test the patience of Job. I do not have the patience of Job; in fact, I have no patience where traffic is concerned. My tolerance has diminished even further since I rarely deal with traffic where I live. I laugh when people say there's traffic on Highway 91 in CT (Oh you mean that string of 10 cars? HAHAHAHAHA!). I can't wait until someone invents those little personal flying saucers like they had on the Jetsons. Until then, I will continue my quest for the perfect traffic-free route. I know, I know, when pigs fly.