All I can is thank goodness there are plenty of idiots in this world; I will never run out of material. Our local newspaper is often a good source of amusement for me. It' s a nice little paper that publishes lots of positive stories about kids, families, and local events. However, the Letters to the Editor section often sends me into a complete and total dither.
Take for example one of the letters from this Friday's edition. A local woman started out a letter by saying "After an evening of discussing democracy and the United States election process, my 5-year-old daughter and I excitedly headed for the polls this morning." Hmmm, I tried to explain the election process to my five-year old and she said "So we are going to the library to get a new present?" So much for my explanation.
Anyway, the woman goes on to say, at great length, how her daughter was so happy to be part of the voting process and how everyone in line thought she was just a real charmer. Then she states -and I quote - "...the warm fuzzy camaraderie of the morning painfully and abruptly ended. A booming, disembodied voice yelled out 'Don't let the child touch the ballot!' " The author then goes on and on about how her poor child was so fearful and kept asking if she was "going to get in trouble". The woman ended the letter by saying she let the child place the ballot in the scanner, despite her being told not to do so. Well goody for her.
If we were allowed to write to the local paper anonymously here's what I'd write:
Dear Twit,
I read with interest the story of how your poor child was traumatized at the hands of our senior citizen poll volunteers this past Tuesday. I am so sorry that your poor baby was so terrified by that "booming, disembodied voice" who simply told you (an adult) not to let her touch the ballot. This must have been an awful experience indeed. Let me offer you some perspective into the real world to help you cope with this tragedy. Here are 5 things that might actually, really traumatize your child:
1. Her 4-year-old sister could die of a rare genetic disorder while her father is on his 3rd deployment in the Middle East.
2. She could have to endure months of radiation and chemotherapy (along with vomiting, hair loss, and fatigue) after being diagnosed with an inoperable cancerous brain tumor.
3. She could have to endure 5 years' worth of painful surgeries just to be able to eat, breathe and look like everyone else (sorry, had to get that in there).
4. She could have to endure painful infusions of life-saving antibodies every month just to say alive throughout the winter.
5. Her baby brother could die on an operating table during a surgery.
Lest you think I am being dramatic, these are things that have happened to people I know of during the last year.
And while you think about that, let me also thank you. Thank you for never letting your child understand the meaning of the word no. Thank you for showing her that the rules put forth by others don't apply to either you or her. Thank you for always being there to make sure she never experiences anything negative. I am sure she is a real joy to be around.
I certainly hope she recovers from her negative voting experience by the time she turns 18. On the other hand, maybe you'll both just stay away from the polls. I don't think I'd want either of you voting for prom queen nevermind the leader of the free world. All I can say is that I hope neither of you ever has to deal with anything truly painful; you'll both be really crappy at it.
Sincerely, The Whiner